So, I was sitting in my hotel room this morning, on my bed, having quiet time when God asked me, "what is it that you lack?" I'd been thinking about that question the last few days since Pastor preached the sermon about the gospel/good news is meant for the poor (i.e. those who lack in any area). And so, for me, the question was- in what area of my life do I lack right now? Immediately my answer was- I lack perspective, particularly where my marriage is concerned. I lack the right perspective of forgiveness and I desperately need it to become a better husband.
God led me to 1 Samuel 18, which tells the story of King Saul and his developing hatred and bitterness towards David. But first, I tried to read Proverbs 31 (the description of the virtuous wife). Honestly, I couldn't even get through it I was still unwilling to allow myself to view you in this way. That's when God led me to 1 Samuel 18, and the story of King Saul. As I watched Saul first get his feelings hurt (unintentionally by David), but nevertheless begin to blame David, I saw Saul start to do the same stupid things I do. He sulked, he reacted out of hurt and pain, He said hurtful things, even even tried to kill David several times (well...i've never done that). But the point is, he allowed one degree of hurt/pain (regardless how real it might be), destroy an otherwise fruitful relationship that had all the potential in the world.
Then, suddenly it became very clear to me. Either I'm going to keep protecting my pain and guarding my ego, or I'm going to let things go and not miss out on the best thing that ever happened to me. And so I recommitted myself this morning to forgive and love you no matter what, for anything, every time. And then I went back to Proverbs 31 and I started some new confessions for how I've decided to view our relationship right now:
Prov 31. 10-11:
My heart safely trusts in my wife and I have no lack of gain (I don't ever have to worry about missing out on something in my marriage, I fully trust my wife to love me with everything she's got). Because I have a virtuous wife whose worth is far above anything else in this world, I'm a faithful man and there's never a need to stray from home. It can't get no better than this! She does me good and not evil all the days of my life.
I read somewhere that you should give people a reputation and expect them to live up to it. Apparently that's what God does for us everyday, and hopefully you'll do the same for me. I'm tired of talking about what I don't have. I'm excited to focus on all the wonderful things that I do have in our beautiful relationship. I love you boo.
SDW3
